After a few weeks of unusual silence from American friend and web-designer guru Joe Schatz, I finally connected with him via Gmail Chat and discovered the hideous truth about his online disappearance.

*Warning – the following conversation may distress penis appreciators and offend lovers of plants because I personally think they should all be culled.

**Plants I mean. Not penises. Penises should definitely not be culled.




June 29 2013

Gmail Chat between Reservoir Dad and Joe Schatz 


RDHaven’t heard from you for a while. Hope all is okay?

Joe Schatzhey, eh… not sure if you have poison ivy down unda, but that’s what I have.

RDNo! Don’t you get it from a particular plant or something?

Joe Schatz: Yeah, its a plant. If you touch it you break out with blisters.

RD: Holy shit. And people freak out over our snakes and spiders…

Joe Schatz: It’s on my junk and face next to my eye.

RD: What the? Junk means genitals, right?

Joe Schatz: Yeah

RD: Holy shit man! How did you touch a deadly plant with your penis and your eye? What were you doing, you filthy dog?

Joe Schatz: Well , it’s basically a really crazy viscous invisible oil. So if it gets on your shorts or shirt and you touch it, it’s on your hands. And then it’s game on. So many times you may think you have avoided it but in reality you are about to get it really bad.

RD: Oh, I see. That’s insane. Shouldn’t the government have culled all these plants by now?

Joe Schatz: lol I wish. It’s on my fingers as well, which sucks.

RD: So it’s hard to type? That’s why you haven’t been at my beck and call for website related issues lately?

Joe Schatz: Yeah

RD: When will it go away?

Joe Schatz: Can be weeks

RD:I feel incredible anger towards the poison ivy plant right now.

Joe Schatz: I hope it’s less. It itches and burns like crazy. Hard to do much of anything without wanting to shoot myself.

RD: Probably hard to shoot yourself with blistered up fingers too. So I guess really you’re stuck.

Joe Schatz: Yeah

RD: You should attempt to make something positive out of it.

Joe Schatz: Good thought. I’m thinking I can do some serious gaming. Been trying to work the X-Box.

RD: Haha. You crazy bastard. I got circumcised in my late teens – personal choice – and I was told not to masturbate for two weeks. I only lasted a week. I’m imagining you playing x-Box with your poison ivy fingers the same way I masturbated with my freshly snipped penis; tiny tiny strokes, a determination to reach the goal despite the pain, and a lot of breathing through your teeth.

Joe Schatz: lol. Sorry I haven’t been online.

RD: Don’t be silly. I can’t believe your fierce work ethic and your web-designer genius have been taken down by a disgusting little oily plant.

Joe Schatz: I’m allergic to it as well. So I have a really bad reaction. This is similar to what I have – But imagine that in a more intimate way.

iphone 016RD: Oh my god, that’s fucking hideous! That is seriously on your genitals?

Joe Schatz: Yeah. It’s there. I try not to think about it. I’ve found the best way to get it to go away is to dig at it until it bleeds and then to pour rubbing alcohol on it.

RD: I’m freaking out right now.

Joe Schatz: It’s like having fire placed on your penis

RD: Oh my God. Still, we should stick with the positive thing. Fire-penis sounds cool, like a superhero. The Adventures Of Fire Penis!

Joe Schatz: lol. Flame on!

RD: You’re so lucky! Your penis is jet-powered! Now you can fly around the world backwards fighting crime!

Joe Schatz: Oddly, really really hot water is soothing. I get a feeling of ecstasy for about a minute.

RD: There’s a positive. You’ve experienced a kind of ecstasy that not many men ever will.

Joe Schatz: Enviable. I’m hoping in a week I will be much better. I have dug everywhere except my face and balls to a bloody mess and dosed them with alcohol. Those places are now just scabs healing.

RD: There have been a few times in the past few years where I wished I were you – for your web designer prowess, for your ability to work for hours and hours without sleep – but now is not one of them. I’m glad I’m me right now. What does your wife think of it?

Joe Schatz: Jodi is sympathetic. Though she looks at me and is like, ew…

RDWill she ever look at you the same again?

Joe Schatz: Yeah. I am like, better or worse…

RD: I suppose I’ve seen Tania’s nether-regions torn apart by baby heads four times and I keep going back there with no flashbacks or hallucinations.

Joe Schatz: lol Yeah, I haven’t been showing her my nether regions.

RD: The shame

Joe Schatz: For sure. It literally happens to me once every three to four years. Last time my forearm swelled up to twice its typical size. North America has one variety of it pretty much everywhere and some places two to three varieties. I am allergic to all of them.

RD: You know that people just pack up and move when certain horrors continue to happen to them regularly – earthquakes, cyclones etc. If this was happening to me every three to four years I’d move. Australia has none of that. Move here.

joe-schatzJoe Schatz: lol

RD: Crazy. I feel for ya man. I gotta get the kids ready to head out. You go dip your junk into a hot bucket of water and gets some ecstasy!

Joe Schatz: lol

RD: Just quick – I feel compelled to blog this conversation. Thought I could title it ‘The Ecstasy In The Poison Ivy Penis’.

Joe Schatz: Nice. Yeah. Go for it.


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