The Blog

Wake The Fuck Up

Maki and I drop Archie and Lewis at tennis practice and hightail it towards Tyson for the 4.30pm pickup and while we’re sitting in the last right-hand turning lane before Kindergarten, listening to I Like That by Richard Vission & Static Revenger, waiting for the...

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Dumb Luck

I was standing directly behind Maki and we were midway through the popular song Happy Birthday when his cake-spawned smile was replaced by a self-conscious frown. He took a slow scan of the beaming well-wishers around the table before raising his arm to his mouth,...

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The Reservoirection – Part Three

  Tania's watching Olympic Basketball, the Aussie Boomers versus China, on the telly. I'm trying to work on the laptop. But everytime the commentator says '...for China' I hear 'va gina'. It's very distracting.   *Facebook Update August 2, 2012   ~~...

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The Torch

March 2008 I’m afraid that this morning’s occurrence with four-year-old Archie has thrown a blanket of secrecy over his parent's sex life just as it was reaching its zenith. Our care-free doors-open, porn-in-the-background approach to intimacy is over. Forever more. ...

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The Sexy Post It Note

Reservoir Mum left me this sneaky little note on the kitchen bench tonight and I’m a pretty freaked out because the one thing I want to do is ask her what KIND of flirting she’d prefer but as you can see that option has been vetoed! She might want something simple...

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Scared of the Flog

I’m at the kitchen window watching Maki and Tyson who have just screamed and exited the trampoline in the backyard. I don’t know what depression is really and I could never claim to suffer from it but there are regular times in my life where I feel dull, listless,...

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That Time Again

‘Well,’ I say to RM, as the clock wheezes past 11.30pm. ‘Looks like it’s that time again.’ ‘What time?’ ‘That time when we head to the ensuite and brush our teeth as we stare at each other in the mirror – our toothpaste slathered mouths open like smiling chimps all...

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With This Eraser I Thee Wed

I've been noticing some Aussie newspapers have been featuring studies claiming there's a recent shift in more people adopting traditional family practices. There's apparently less people choosing to stay in 'de facto' relationships, women are choosing to give up...

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Confident RD’s Sexy Gaps.com

You see that I'm ferocious, you see that I am weakYou see that I am silly, and pretentious and a freakBut I don't feel so strange for you... (RM) ~ Rescue Me, Madonna ~~~ It's 7am and I'll never make sense of myself. Yesterday I was so consumed by world-wide horrors...

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Confident RD’s Sexy Gaps.com

You see that I'm ferocious, you see that I am weakYou see that I am silly, and pretentious and a freakBut I don't feel so strange for you... (RM) ~ Rescue Me, Madonna ~~~ It's 7am and I'll never make sense of myself. Yesterday I was so consumed by world-wide horrors...

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Foreplay

When I come to bed RM's playing with her brand new iPhone. 'What's the time?' she asks it. 'It's 11.58,' the iPhone says. 'Oh my god,' RM says, glaring at me. 'Why do we do this to ourselves?' 'What?' 'Why do we always go to bed so late? Every single night?' 'It is...

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The Reservoirection – Part Two

Originaly posted to the Reservoir Dad Facebook Page May 2011  ~~ 11 May, 2011 I will never ever compromise my values to attract more 'likers' to this fan page. But I will remove a piece of clothing for every new liker I get today. I am wearing - socks, two jocks,...

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“Some Dads Kill Their Kids”

For the past few years my mind has been a stationary bike set to hyper speed and I feel like I'm burning rubber but getting nowhere as I second-guess myself at all the work related opportunities coming my way, and I'm feeling a little bit stressed, to be honest, and...

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The Dirty Little Artist

Saturday Afternoon, 4.30 We’re at the National Non Fiction Writers Festival, and Reservoir Mum’s looking radiant after returning to our complimentary hotel room from a swim in the heated pool.  While she’s been doing laps downstairs I’ve been drinking vodka, watching...

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There’s No Crying In JB Hi-Fi

I’m not crying while I’m waiting in line at JB Hi-Fi to buy the Five Seconds of Summer CD for Tyson because we’re surrounded by dozens of customers and retailers. But things would probably be different if we were here alone.  It’s been a tough ride with Tys. He’s gone...

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The Line in the Snow

It's occasionally difficult to tell if people are simply ignorant of the three shake rule or if half the population… are chronic masturbators. ~ Urban Dictionary The first time I went to the snow I was nine months old and it’s not how fast my basinet hurtled down the...

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The House Keeper Diaries – Entry One

The kids are school and kinder ready and sitting in front of the TV like dead bloated cows on the side of the river Ganges which means I have between six and eight minutes to get the toilet cleaned before the house keeper gets here.  Reservoir Mum emerges from the...

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Screenshots from the Book

Click on the pic to the left to see a larger version. If you think it's a share-able quote from the book it's yours to save and use as an update on your Facebook page (tag me in so I can say thanks and hello!) Reservoir Dad is available in all good book stores. Scroll...

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Date Night is a Team Game

“Individually, we are one drop. Together, we are an ocean.”  Ryunosuke Satoro ~~  Ordinary domestic forces have conspired against us since Friday’s date night to leave Reservoir Mum and I physically unfulfilled and as Sunday evening approaches the very real...

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Still There

Reservoir Mum and I have spent all of Sunday afternoon dismantling beds and traversing the hall with dressers and clothes and boxes of toys – s-bending and u-turning our way around kids while meeting their eating and entertainment demands, reprimanding here and there...

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The ‘Many Ways to Get Help’ Campaign

If I was addicted to gambling, the most worrying thing for me right now would be how easy it is to bet on… anything. I can pick up my iPhone right now and bet on anything from horse racing to when Alien life will be proven; from the outcome of a football match to...

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My Wife the Peniloquist

It's time to play the music  It's time to light the lights  It's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight.  Welcome To The World Of Peniloquism! ~~ Reservoir Mum is dining out with her Netball team to celebrate the closing of another season and it’s 9.30pm...

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Smelly Butts and Bullies and…

We’re on our way from Tyson’s kindergarten – were he was deposited with a hug and a kiss and without fuss – towards Archie and Lewis’s school, and our mood is a joyous one thanks to the boppy rhythm of the epic tune Right On Track. ...Influencing What People Talk...

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Nine Years Of Breastfeeding: A Love Letter

Like a kid playing whack-a-mole at Time Zone the nurse slammed Archie’s newborn mouth at your nipple several times over and that’s when it first dawned on me that breastfeeding was not as easy as I’d imagined. But I learned about ‘attachment’ and that it was a matter...

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The Yah-Yah Bears

The dark clouds have wafted by and the wind has dropped and I’ve taken off my beanie to release some heat through my dome and put on my sunglasses to combat the sun reflecting from the frost covered nature strips. I’m sipping strong coffee from my travel mug and...

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Panicking Styles

As I'm stacking the dishwasher I'm thinking ahead to the small amount of time I've got to work on the website and so I say to Reservoir Mum, who's working on the laptop at the kitchen table, 'Hey, what do you think is the craziest parenting style you've ever heard...

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Time To Reflush

'I'm thinking about taking a week off writing. Having a bit of a break,' I say to Reservoir Mum, for about the tenth time in a few days. 'I think I might need to refresh after finishing the book. Whattaya think?' I mean refresh... 'Do whatever you want?' RM says. 'If...

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A Family That Twerks Together…

Like most men, I love to listen to 80s pop music while doing the housework and the many thousands of hours I've invested in vacuuming and mopping and folding fragrant linen has given me the opportunity to become a pretty good dancer. I can do the Moonwalk on any...

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This Song Could Get You Laid

Just a quick aside before I get started with my first guest post. My name is Joe Schatz and I am proud to call myself a friend of RD's. This is a new series here at Reservoir Dad. RD has been gracious enough to allow me to introduce you his fine readers to some new...

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Diary Of A Day Dreamer – Entry 1

It’s 6.59pm and so close to the kid’s bedtime that I’m tonguing at the air like it’s a big fat triple scoop of boysenberry and freedom flavoured ice-cream when seven year old Lewis walks into the bathroom, where I’m supervising Tyson’s teeth cleaning, and says, ‘Dad,...

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Chocolate Eggs And Undies In A Fruit Bowl

We’re deep into the Easter Holidays and have just returned to my Mum and Dad’s Mortlake home after visiting long term friends Scratch and Kelly, thirty minutes down the road in Warrnambool. It’s Saturday night and the Easter Bunny has only just started greasing his...

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