A conversation, over the phone, with my Mum

(People mentioned – Lewis, my 7yo son. Cally, my sister. Rohan, my brother in law. Dad, my Dad. Ollie, my Mum’s chihauhau.)


RD: Hey Mum, how’s things?

M: Good mate, how are ya? How’s RM and the boys?

RD: They’re good. Really good… hey, Cally texted me to say you’d been in hospital.

M: Just overnight, yeah…

RD: She said you cut your finger?

M: Yeah, last week… I think.

RD: How?

M: God… hang on… (talking to her chihauhau: Ollie, Ollie! nnnnO! nnnnO. Ollie! By hell!) Um, I nearly bought a doona cover for Lewis…

RD: Made of knives?

M: What do you mean made of knives?

RD: You cut your finger on a doona?

M: No. I cut my finger on the blender. It was ninety dollars.

RD: That’s an expensive blender.

M: It was red and black. So I thought I better check with Lewis first.

RD: I don’t think Lewis is ready for a blender.

M: No the doona was ninety dollars.

RD: Oh. That seems like an expensive doona.

old-telephoneM: It was a good one… Ollie nnnnO!

RD: You can get a doona for ten dollars from Savers or St Vinnies…

M: No way. You don’t buy second hand doonas… or pillows.

RD: Aw Mum, you’ve gone all upper class. Disapointing…

M: They get peed on and have parasites! Have you got the Kmart pamphlet?

RD: Pamphlet?

M: The doonas are in there. Maybe show Lewis and see what he thinks. Ollie! By hell!

RD: I’m not sure we’ve got that pamphlet. But we can just go to Kmart…

M: Yeah go to Kmart and have a look. There are different patterns and colours.

RD: Okay. So Cally texted and said you were in hospital…

M: I cut my finger on the handheld blender… it was no big deal.

RD: I don’t even remember you having a black and red hand blender.

M: It’s not black and red. It’s black and silver.

RD: Huh?

M: It has a black base and the rest is silver…

RD: That’s what I remember… I thought you said it was black and red.

M: The doona is black and red. I was pretty tired… when was it? Last Sunday? No, the Sunday before. But I had to clean the blender and then I stuck my finger in to see if it was clean…

RD: Why did you stick your finger in a running blender?

M: I just forgot. I think I turned it on by accident. I was just… busy. But I won’t do it again…

RD: That’s the school of hard knocks right there.

M: Hey, it wasn’t funny.

RD: I know. I’m just laughing.

M: How about I laugh at you next time you get your hand cut in a blender?

mum-2RD: So who drove you to hospital?

M: Rohan was just standing there gaping but then Cally yelled at your Dad to get me a towel.

RD: And Cally drove you to hospital?

M: I should have gone to hospital but we just put a band aid on it.

RD: Oh, so it wasn’t that bad.

M: It was pretty deep. Pretty bad.

RD: So were you in hospital or not?

M: Well, I had to go to a seminar in Melbourne on Tuesday so I thought I’d wait and see how it went.

RD: The seminar? So you wanted to travel three hours to a seminar to see how good it was before you decided if you should go to hospital. You could have just phoned a psychic.

M: I thought it might get better but on the way home it was really throbbing and there was this blue line running up my hand to my elbow.

RD: Oh my god, it was going freaking gangrenous?

M: I don’t know. I went to the hospital and they gave me a tetanus shot and wrapped it up and I had to stay overnight. nnnnO Ollie!

RD: How is it now?

M: Good. Much better. I actually had such a great time in hospital, there was nothing to do so I just relaxed totally without thinking about work or feeling like I should be cleaning the rooms.

RD: Hospitals are pretty clean generally… except when people bring gangrenous infections into them.

M: You know, I was thinking, I should start a stress reduction clinic in a hospital. Don’t you think that would be good?

RD: Oh yeah…

M: There’d be no demands on you and you could eat whatever you want without any guilt and just forget about your life and your bills for a while.

RD: Could you get a massage there? And a facial?

M: I don’t know. Maybe.

RD: Because then it would be just like a day spa.

M: No it wouldn’t be. It’d be in a hospital. You’d have to get a prescription from the Doctor for it. You know, because you’re so sick with stress. You have to do it… because it would be good for you and your family.

RD: So, sort of like a psychiatrist telling people they have to go to a psychiatric ward and then paging two men to put them in a padded van…

M: You could just go there on your own, smart arse. With your prescription.

RD: Well, we are living in stressful times Mum. I dare say there’d be people wanting some time out whether they were forcefully committed by a Doctor or not.

M: Yeah I think it’s a great idea. People need that sort of thing.