‘Check this out,’ I say to Reservoir Mum, as I point Maki’s head towards her.
‘Is he sucking your Bicep?’ she asks.
‘He is. Not great attachment yet but we’re working on it.’
‘Attachment is so important in breast…’
‘Bicep feeding,’ I say, correcting her.
RM laughs, ‘Yeah. Might help if you had a nipple there though.’
‘I know,’ I say. ‘I really do have nipple envy. If I had a nice chunky nipple on each arm I’d be the greatest SAHD ever. The best in the world!’
RM reaches around and feels my other bicep – which is just as solid and super-strong as the one currently placating Maki – and says, ‘I guess it’s feels about the same – warm, smooth skin. It’s like a firmer, less nourishing boob.’
‘At least it’ll buy us some time if you’re otherwise engaged and Maki’s needing the real thing.’
Reservoir Mum shrugs and says, ‘I’m going to take a photo.’
‘I knew…’ I say, as she angles around for the best shot, ‘…as I toiled away in the gym day after day, year after year, that eventually these guns would pay for themselves.’
‘Just paid for themselves’ RM says, with only a hint of sarcasm.
‘Do you reckon this will be okay to do in public?’
‘I wouldn’t,’ RM says.
‘Might be more acceptable than a bare breast… what if I cover the area with a tasteful light baby blanket?’
‘I would probably still avoid it…’
‘And you know what else?’ I ask. ‘There are many men training at RD’s Gym whose guns are almost impressive as mine. If I ever lose the ability to soothe with these solid manneries, there are several Bicep surrogates only a phone call away.’
‘Psycho,’ RM says. ‘Jeez, imagine what he’d think of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s guns.’
‘You would love them little Maki,’ I say directing my gaze back to my tiny boy. ‘You would love them.’
*Thanks to Krys from Baby Massage for offering this great tip – “If you find that you get cracked biceps (happens to the best of us), just pop down to the chemist and pick up some Lanolin ointment such as Lansinoh.”