Today a guest post by stay-at-home/work-at-home Dad Joe Schatz. For years he ran the funny and informative website Joeprah. He is now an author and website designer. You can buy his great book, ‘Daddy Where’s Your Vagina?’ right here. If you need expert assistance with anything website related contact him via his business website – Doogle Design.
After being in the Mothers Group circuit for over 7 years, I have started to discover that certain conversations and certain words are more an affront to me because I’m a Chuck Norris fearing man. I, like all guys, compete, so I have created a game that all men everywhere can partake in if they ever go to a Mothers Group.
Now, for some unknown reason, women think that Mothers Groups are both “gossip time” and also time to talk about their pregnancies so I have created a list of key words and their respective point totals in a game format so that you, an average guy, can find out just how much estrogen you have been exposed to. The point system below was devised based on how difficult certain words are to hear for a guy. Here is how the scoring system works:
The Mothers Group Play Along Game for Dads
- “Shoes” (1 point)
- “Steamy” (2 points)
- “Latte” (1 point)
- “Anusol” (2 points)
- “Les Miserables” (or any romantic comedy/musical) (1 point)
- “Channing Tatum” (2 points)
- “Period” or “That Time of the Month” (1 point)
- “Crampy” (2 points)
- “Retaining Water” (3 points)
- “Did you see her hair?” (1 point)
- “Did you see what she was wearing?” (2 points)
- “She is such a _______” (3 points)
- “Echinacea” (1 point)
- “Ikea” (2 points)
- “Big W” (3 points)
- “Breastfeeding” (1 point) **
- “Sore/Chafing Nipples” (2 points) **
- “Breast Pump” (3 point) **
The Next Section is the Pregnancy Section and contains ideas as well as terminology:
- how difficult their pregnancy was (1 point per mom talking about this)
- the labor pains (1 point per mom talking about it)
- “Episiotomy” (give yourself 5 points if brought up & an additional 3 points per mom that talks about this one)
- “c-sections” (2 points per mom talking about it)
- the complications (1 point per complication unless it is a c-section or episitomy *see their scoring system above*)
- “Epidural” (1/2 point per use of the word, they use it constantly thus giving it little or no value)
Bonus Round! You get 5 points for each time you hear these words:
- “bloody show”
- “water breaking/broke”
- “sagging breasts”
How did you score?
Under 20 points or “Mild Estrogen Exposure”
Now, if you just attended a playgroup and the score was under 20 points you need to buck up young man, you are one of the lucky ones. Rub some dirt on it and move along, ’tis merely a flesh wound.
20 to 30 points or “Intermediate Estrogen Exposure”
If you just returned from a playgroup and you tallied over 20 points but less then 30 you deserve a cold beer and about an hour of watching the three stooges to re-assimilate back into male culture.
30 to 40 points or “Advanced Estrogen Exposure”
If you returned from a playgroup and you marked down between 30 to 40 points on your scorecard you need a six pack S.T.A.T. Also, I suggest detoxing from the estrogen overload by lifting weights, mowing the lawn, trying to change your oil (even if you don’t know how), or heading to the driving range and getting the ‘Jumbo’ bucket.
40 to 50 points or “Severe Estrogen Exposure”
If you are one of the soldiers that just endured hell on Earth, that is if have just returned from a session where you tallied between 40-50 points, there are no easy answers. I don’t know why this happens to good people, but I do offer a solution. *Note: This is a long term strategy* Begin playing a first person shooter console game immediately. If you do not have a first person shooter game, resort to Madden or another sport/fighting game if you don’t have this watch Rocky over and over. By day two of this you should now be able to detox by using the same strategy employed for those who suffered a 30 to 40 point scorecard. If you have flashbacks to the playgroup you should immediately begin playing a console game until that feeling subsides. Also you will need at least 36 hot wings a large pizza (you can choose the toppings) and around 12-48 beers (depending on your tolerance of course) to get through this.
Over 50 Points or “Epic Estrogen Exposure”
Finally, if you have endured a round of over 50 points you are most likely at Ann Taylor Loft trying on clothes. Pray that someone finds you before you start scrap-booking or trying your hand at needle point while watching a Hugh Grant flick. I have heard rumors of a guy that had a 200 point round. Legend has it that he ran off leaving mainstream society completely. Months later, as it was passed down to me, he eventually surfaced in some underworld sewing circle. *note: this story is most likely completely made up, but totally possible* If you have experienced this type of playgroup, first, I am so very,very sorry. Second, you need to calm down. Take a standing ten count. There are three known solutions to bring a fella back from the brink after such an event:
- A weekend poker tournament at either Vegas or AC
- A weekend golf trip with the guys
- Joining a reputable fight club (no shoving matches or name calling groups)
- A Roundhouse Kick to the chin from Mr. Norris (may also cause death which is still better)*
Lingering effects of such an exposure include, but are not limited to:
- Reading Marie Claire at doctor’s office
- Laughing at Karl Stefanovic’s jokes
- Watching and liking Les Miserables
- Singing ‘I’m Every Woman’ without external provocation
Feel free to print this out, pass it on and let any dad or would be dad know about this so that they may be able to play along.
For Joe Shatz’s bio visit his this page on his website – http://www.joeprah.com/bio.html. To read a review of Joe’s great book ‘Daddy, Where’s Your Vagina?’ (reviewed by veteran stay-at-home Dad, Dan Barron) go here. Order copies here.