Yesterday, as I loafed around the in-laws holiday house in Gippsland while Reservoir Mum and Reservoir Father-In-Law were out fishing with the boys it struck me that the Reservoir Dad Facebook was close to a significant milestone and so I posted this
Only a few ‘likers’ needed to get to a milestone – 1500!! If you can dig around and find me a few more likers to get there I’ll post something either profound, funny, rude, disgusting, belittling, romantic, zany, capacious, cruel, erotic, Lithuanian, puppy-eyed, jittery, from outer space or that makes you scream ‘jesus christ god no!’. Your choice.
It was very tongue in cheek and off the cuff and not something that I thought would require any real effort on my part but only a few hours passed before the 1500 liker mark was passed and then I was receiving polite requests and the odd death threat to follow up on my promise and close the deal.
I searched desperately through the Internets to find something that would be unique enough and brazen enough to satisfy but everything seemed to fall short. I was just about to give up and close my whole fricken site down when the Universal Energy intervened, told me I was part of some plan to save the world, and made everything okay.
The Universal Energy suggested that I get over my strange aversion to being naked in strange places and go for a walk down to the pier that evening with Reservoir Mum and our dog Ekko. On the way there I could get RM to take a photo of me standing naked in swampland. That would surely appease the 1500 screaming masses and cover all the criteria apart from ‘Lithuanian’ and ‘something from outer space’.
At 8.04PM we headed down to the pier with the boys sleeping back in the holiday house under the watchful eye of Reservoir Father-In-Law, and with our dog Ekko in tow, and although it was blowing a gale and freezing beyond belief the wine I’d consumed over dinner and being contacted directly by the Universal Energy was making the possibility of a nude photo much more likely.
Suddenly RM pointed to a bushy area that would reach the appropriate height to hide my erogenous zones and there I was – stepping through the bracken and the wet soupy marsh, dropping my pants and allowing the natural deep-breathed expansion of my chest to tear my t-shirt and jumper asunder.
While RM was snapping pics and laughing I had to negotiate the terror of two separate people-filled vehicles passing us by, at the same time that I was shivering like a shaved baboon in a science lab.
With the photos snapped and the clothes reapplied RM and I were back together hand in hand, Ekko running ahead of us, the ocean approaching with every step.
‘You’ll have to be careful,’ RM says, as she eyed the pic on her phone. ‘People will zoom in and try to see your penis.’
‘They can’t see it though, can they?’ I say.
‘No, but there are no pubes. They’ll be able to tell that you’ve shaved down there.’
‘That’s alright,’ I say. ‘Most people will have read The Vasectomy Diaries – Entry Five and know it was a medical requirement…’
‘Yeah, but now they’ll be able to see that you’ve kept on shaving…’
‘Shh,’ I say, abruptly. ‘If you say it I’ll have to blog it.’
We look ahead to see Ekko taking a dump on some spindly brush.
‘Speaking of vasectomies,’ RM says. ‘We really have to get Ekko done.’
‘Ekko needs a vasectomy too?’ I say.
‘He’s way overdue.’
‘Shit,’ I say. ‘Poor bastard.’
‘You should do a series of posts on his vasectomy as well,’ she says, laughing loudly and then hugging close to escape the ocean breeze.
I am consumed with awe. The possibility of a series of posts on my dog’s vasectomy is so good that I forget about the pointlessness of ‘the walk’ and offer The Universal Energy my silent praise.
‘I really should,’ I say. ‘He’s a member of our family who gets no mention on the blog at all… and that’s really sad… so I could set that straight. Plus, people love animals and would love to see how Ekko handles it… also, there would be so many common threads to tie into my own vasectomy. Will it take him longer to recover? Will he find the shaving experience as awkward as I did? Will he feel degraded having to ‘whack off’ into a cup when the time comes to see if he has any swimmers left…’
‘Hold still,’ RM calls out, as she runs ahead a few meters. ‘And call Ekko back.’
‘Yo Ekko,’ I call. ‘Here mate. Up!’