As I wonder how long it takes to recover from a miscarriage it occurs to me that there has been no closure. No body, no burial, no ceremony. Those things I thought were never really necessary seem very necessary now.
For Our Baby
When your brothers are sad or hurt I pick them up. I wish I could have held you until you were gone. You were right there inside Reservoir Mum but I felt like I let you die alone.
I felt like I already loved you. I had already anticipated your crying, your first giggle, your hand grasping my thumb. I’d thought about your name and talked about your progression through the sizes of jumpsuits. I’d seen you progress from a roll to a crawl to a step and wondered if you’d withdraw when you were unsure, like Archie, or erupt in protest, like Lewis. I’d anticipated your physical presence when I’d cuddled Tyson and thought about the two of you playing. I’d worried about time and space and had made movements to let go of some personal goals so I could focus on you and your brothers.
I’d made a space for you, little fella. And now that space is empty. I miss you.