I’ve received all kinds of advice about clothes washing over the years and although most of it has come from a good place – the desire to attain a sense of superiority by focusing on another’s assumed uselessness – I’ve found almost every unsolicited instruction to be ineffective when put to the test. (The one piece of advice that was spot on – to wash freshly-bought coloured clothing separately – is explained further in the video below).

Let’s Do Laundry. Real Quick!

As well as being plain wrong the commonly offered advice has led to a huge amount of time-wasting, a huge amount of water-wasting, and a huge amount of non-specific exercise – all the things that make me want to run away crying with my arms dangling uselessly by my sides.

Can someone explain to me why people want to spend extra time doing a household chore by making it more complicated? Please? Shannon Lush, Aussie housework and cleaning expert, has made a career out of doing just that and in the process I reckon she’s shamed many others into wasting hours and days and unrecoverable months of their lives on housework!

Let me demonstrate how that happens by mocking up a listener question to one of her many radio shows. First, I’ll provide a Shannon Lush-type response (based on the many times I’ve heard her theories), and then I’ll provide my response.

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LushHouseCaller: Hi Shannon. So great to talk to you. Last night I spilled coffee on my carpet and I soaked most of it up with paper towel and then pressed the rest out with a wet rag. But I’m not sure it’s really gone. If you turn the light dimmer up to full and get down on your hands and knees so that your head is like a foot off the ground I think you can still see a stain there… or maybe smell it or something… and I was just wondering if you can recommend any ways to remove it.

Shannon Lush: First I would blow-dry the area with a Revlon Ion Select Hair Dryer. Then soak a cotton bud overnight in the Eye-Of-Some-Young-Goat Handcream by Avon before dabbing it directly over the area that may or may not still be stained. Next erect a barrier of polyfribotic tubing around it to keep everyone away. About a fortnight later the cream will have calcified. Use the point of your elbow to gently break it down and then suck it all up with a Dyson DC39 Multi Floor Vacuum on a low setting. Finish the area off by sprinkling some Aloe Vera on it because then you can tell someone you used Aloe Vera and they can do a funny face and say, ‘Allo Vera!’ and you can both have a good laugh.

Reservoir Dad: You’ve already cleaned it. Dim the lights. Keep your head more than one foot from the carpet. If you’re really desperate put a pot plant over it. Housework is shit. Go do something fun.

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Cleaning a house is a monotonous task full of repetition and drudgery and although that will never change there are ways to cut the time down so you can direct your attention to more important stuff.

If you have any short, housework time saving tips to share please iPhone it, YouTube it and send it to me here.

And on to this week’s tip!