When I come to bed RM’s playing with her brand new iPhone.

‘What’s the time?’ she asks it.

‘It’s 11.58,’ the iPhone says.

‘Oh my god,’ RM says, glaring at me. ‘Why do we do this to ourselves?’

‘What?’

‘Why do we always go to bed so late? Every single night?’

‘It is pretty crazy,’ I say, jumping under the covers and clawing at her thigh. ‘Do you know there are people I talk to, who only have one or two kids, and they go to bed 8.30pm seven days a week.’

‘What are you saying?’

‘I’m saying we don’t value sleep very much.’

‘I value sleep. I love it,’ she says, as I roll towards her and cover both her legs with my left thigh.

‘I only love sleeping in the morning,’ I say. ‘If I go to sleep early at night I feel like I’m wasting time. If I could sleep till midday that would be awesome. But I’m up at 6am almost every day…’

‘Yeah, because our kids are with us in the morning…’

‘Remember, before kids, when you were working and I was studying, you’d wake me up, have sex with me like I was your sexually subservient concubine, and then get ready for work while I rolled over and went back to sleep?’

‘Yeah?’

‘That was awesome.’

‘Morning sex is my favorite,’ she says.

‘I know,’ I say. ‘You love having sex in the morning and I love sleeping in the morning and one day, when we’re in our sixties, and the kids are old enough to know exactly what we’re doing to each other, we’ll get those mornings back again.’

RM holds up the iPhone and asks, ‘When will we have morning sex again?’

‘When, indeed?’ the iPhone says.

‘That phone’s a smart-arse,’ I say. ‘I like it. Ask it something else.’

‘Why does RD have an erection?’

helena-bonham-carter-02The phone beeps and says, ‘Here’s what I found about ‘Why does Aunty have direction?’

‘Try again,’ I say.

‘Why is there an erection on my leg?’ RM says, slowly.

‘Which leg?’ the iPhone says, presenting a list. ‘Tap the one you want.’

‘Wow. I get to tap any one I want? I choose this one,’ I say, as I start frotting RM in a romantic way that reminds me of the piano scene from Pretty Woman. ‘Ask it something else.’

RM thinks deeply and then asks, ‘How do I get it off my leg?’

‘Okay, I found this…’ the iPhone says, presenting an article titled, My dog has a tic in her leg, how do I get it out?

‘Hmmm,’ I say. ‘Dog tics don’t flick my switch, if you get what I mean. Let me ask it something.’

I say, ‘Sexy Helena Bonham Carter’ and suddenly RM is scrolling through several photos of Helena Bonham Carter, including one of her in a bath.

‘That’s more like it. Now let’s do one for you,’ I say, waiting for RM to push the microphone icon and then saying, ‘Sexy pictures of David Hasslehoff.’

‘Yuck!’ RM says, laughing, throwing the phone to the floor. ‘Okay, it’s 12.15. If we’re going to get some action tonight we better get started.’

‘I agree,’ I say, as she turns towards me, sleek and warm and adorable like a polar bear heaving and rolling through a heated pool of Golden Syrup. ‘In the interest of sleep, maybe we should make this a quick and simple session and focus purely on my pleasure.’

‘Incorrect,’ she says.

After an undisclosed period of time, followed by an hour of insomnia while RM is sleeping deeply beside me, I hold up her phone and whisper, ‘Did my wife enjoy sex?’

‘Here’s what I found on the web for Did my wife enjoy sex?‘ the iPhone says, presenting me with an article titled, My wife doesn’t enjoy sex or anything that leads up to it…

Pffft. Although I’m almost certain now that the iPhone is an unreliable source of knowledge I decide to give it one more chance and ask, ‘How long did RM and RD have sex for?’ and I am presented with a series of articles and a link to a ten second video of two bonobos mating which is really disappointing because the answer to my question is a straight-forward one and easy to source by simply clicking here.