This morning, on my Facebook Page, I shared an article about men calling for baby change tables to be installed in men’s rest rooms (click here to read). A member of The Northern Dads Group, George, was one of those men. Some comments to my Facebook Page and other comments on the article itself, came with a bemused tone and questioned whether it’s a serious issue at all, and some made a point of saying that it’s not about gender inequality. I just wanted to put my thoughts on those points out there.
If a restaurant or workplace or public building, without an existing family room (a common thing unfortunately), provides a baby change table in the female restrooms but not in the male restrooms, then OF COURSE it’s about gender equality and therefore it IS a big deal.
Having baby change tables in many women’s restrooms and not in many men’s is just another whispering voice contributing to the ongoing scourge of gender inequality.
Open requests and messages for men to shake off generations of stereotyping and conditioning, to be more involved in parenting and equally responsibile at home are a good start but there are some glaring mixed messages out there and what we see around us speaks louder than words.
Despite more men being involved in parenting there is a still an underlying societal message that men don’t quite belong in the caring role and to see that in effect you only have to become slightly more aware of how baby products are packaged, how domestic products are advertised, how most parent-related stories in major media outlets have ‘mother’ instead of ‘parent’ in the headline, how there are ‘mother and baby’ movie times at cinemas, or how there are no baby change tables in men’s rooms.
That’s just a very small list of the many ways men are subtly and overtly influenced away from really accepting their great potential as parents, to really consider that they have more options available to them than just being the walking wallet for the family; to really open up to the possibility that there are more avenues to ‘success’ and less traditional but equally important ways to provide support; to be more influenced by partnership than patriarchy when negotiating roles within the family.
The cry is ‘get more involved with the children men!’ but this drip drip drip subliminal message undermines the invitation by reinforcing that men are not quite as capable or as welcome to it as women.
The outward message that men are required to become responsible on the domestic frontline is weakened by the underlying message that they don’t quite belong there. The lack of change tables is another whispering voice that reinforces that message: Hey, good on you for trying, but just shrug and grunt and hand your baby over to Mum. Women are the ones who should do the bulk of the childcare.
This has an effect on every man but is especially restrictive on men who are really struggling to escape internalised traditional ideas of masculinity: that men are not as caring as women, less emotional, less affectionate, not able to multi-task and less natural with babies and children.
If men are not able to firstly become aware of that constant all pervasive message on a conscious level it will remain incredibly difficult for many men to rise above it and it will continue to limit the choices available to themselves and their partners.
And it’s not so difficult to go a few steps further to see how that resilient male stereotype may be contributing to other serious social issues like the gender pay gap; the number of women in leadership and senior management positions ; the inability of men to seek help for emotional suppression and depression, suicide, and domestic violence.
The lack of baby change tables in men’s rooms is reflective of a long history of gender assumption that is still so all pervasive it’s hidden in the very structure of our buildings. It’s another one of those whispering barely discernible voices that confirm old age ideas about what men and women should do, and where they belong. At its core it’s sexist and dangerous and a confirmation of patriarchal beliefs.
It is a big deal.
Well articulated RD. I agree whole heartedly.
well said! I hate how female orientated parenting is. I’m a 30yo woman with 2 kids. The first 2 years of parenting I had a disabling condition and needed my husband to do the bulk of everything. So…if we put me in a wheelchair just so I could go out somewhere, I’d still have to get up to painstakingly change my baby’s nappy. I could do it. My body could move. But it hurt so much and was exhausting. Any break from such things (those nappy tabs and lifting legs is one of the most painful parenting tasks for someone with my condition) is so important. But no. Apparently because I was the mum and he was the dad, I suddenly was the more capable person???
My personal experience aside, I see so many dads who are awesome. And they are so good to their wives/partners too! Not to mention gay dads. What are they to do!? Why can’t a dad take his princess shopping or out for a hot chocolate without mummy? Why can’t daddy take the baby out to give mum a break?
I hate it. It’s so wrong. What century are we in?
I could argue this for hours. Infuriating. Stay strong blokes. This woman is on your side
Very good article … and I ask everyone to think how this gender inequality is multiplied when you are a single father.
As a loving husband and father who’s life was turned upside-down by a cheating (now ex) wife, this gender inequality is rampant through the family court system, counsellors and even through the wider community.
I found that employers are far less likely to agree to part time employment for a father due to parental obligations. Then, try fitting into the 99% female groups associated with my childrens’ childcare, kindergarten and primary schools.
This is the most laughable article I have read in a long time. Man up, quit whining, and deal,with life’s little hang ups. This doesn’t stop any real men I know from being a great dad nor does it cause the ills of society. ROTFL!!!!
You have my support. All of the fathers in my circle are full and equal parents, but they regularly come up against situations that tell them the world doesn’t see them as such. Good luck.
It is time a change and I agree as a man I am regularly helping out my kids nappies over the last 5 years. I have to say that most places have a disabled toilet with a change table which I am thankful. I have been places where the changing location you feel half way in the women’s toilet. When are they going to realise Men are wanting to care as a Father for their children and have an important role in doing so.
I am 47 yo and have been involved in my twin daughters upbringing as much as my stay at home wife/mum. I changed nappies, got spewed on, the girls said i was better at putting their hair in pigtails than mum and have done innumerables dishes, cooking and cleaning. I am a beer drinking aussie male and all my mates and most men i know are fairly similar to me with their family and kids. The pay gap is largely a manipulated statistic/myth and an example of modern feminism being about women using collective power to advance individual preferences and is far, far from an equality movement. My question is are women really ready to embrace equality and campaign for equal parenting access and rights for fathers (unless abuse involved)? I think not.
Well put Clint. With you on most things. I use to put forward the same arguments 20 years ago and can say we did have some success. I recall one dad that had to work through the family court process with children under 5, one still in nappies and having to be escorted into the ladies loos so he could change a nappy because the men’s didn’t have a table. He was firmly of the belief that he would have lost his case if it hadn’t been for the fact that mum was in jail. Several years later I was with another guy and there was a table in the men’s but when I made the comment that it was great to see it install, the women lawyers present carried on like it was the joke of the century.
You say “At its core it’s sexist and dangerous and a confirmation of patriarchal beliefs.” I disagree with the last three words. I don’t accept that women have been helpless little creatures until the advent of feminism. If you read up on first wave feminism you’ll quickly learn that it was women that were pushing for themselves and children to be removed from the factory floor and men to be placed there.
Women have always been active players in society but they have always be subjugated by child birth and the lack of technology. That changed last century. We can now all be freed from that limitation however the view that patriarchy is to blame for all things bad underlines the very issue you are fighting.
The greatest limiting factor to equality in NZ now days is women’s attitudes to men and it has been that way for many years now, hence the ‘lack of progress’ so lamented.
Try this line instead
“At its core it’s sexist and dangerous and a confirmation of patriarchal AND MATRIARCHAL beliefs.”
I was an at home dad for maybe 2 1/2 years while my wife went back to childcare. 2 1/2 year old and 6 month old daughters. Tremendously rewarding….but at the same time, very isolating. Very few other blokes in my semi rural area doing the same thing. Funny looks from some mums at immunisation clinics. Suss looks when I dared use a parenting room at a shopping centre. Went in once; a mum was breastfeeding a bub. Got a disgusted look and a “Do you MIND??”
My reply as I attempted to unload a spectacular runny-poo nappy from an uncooperative toddler while keeping control of a 3 year old? “Nope. Carry on.”
It’s funny how the women who criticize men for wanting baby change tables in the men’s rest rooms do not even realize how they are shooting themselves in their own foot. Just like some women here pointed out: if the husband doesn’t have the option to change the baby’s diapers, the mum has to do it. So it would be so much better for us women to support the cause instead of being against it just because some men were against or are still against giving us more gender equality. If we support causes like this, it will bring more gender equality for us women, too!